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Raw Notes from 2021-01-30 Ceremony


This is a transcription of the real-time commentary I made on my experience during the phonomantic rite conducted on Saturday, January 30th, 2021. A ferocious battle every step of the way, it was a tremendously energizing, moving, and (for reasons that will be obvious) troubling experience. 

Again, this is simply what I said on video. There's been no editing for clarity. And I guess I should take pains to explicitly say I do NOT believe I am Jesus Christ. Good grief, amirite? But I am trying to be honest about these experiences. And part of it is this "messianic call," as I've described it elsewhere. Powerful, impactful thoughts emerge spontaneously, accompanied by vivid imagery, and in the moment, they have all the impact of divine revelation. ACCEPT THE MANTLE OF WORLD TEACHER. To reject it, to regard it as the visionary version of "jumping the shark," is to risk jettisoning as illegitimate all the profound joy that this work has brought me. To accept it is to give in to archetypal inflation. To madness.

But maybe there's a middle way? It requires a bit of cognitive jiu jitsu.

Keeping on foot firmly planted in the everyday, and the other in the mists of imaginal reality, I leave open the possibility that this approach that I've developed, and the ideas that have resulted, may someday be the seed for a real religious movement. Not this year, nor next, but in fifty years, maybe, or one hundred. The videos I'm making will live on YouTube forever. Perhaps some time in the early 22nd Century someone will stumble across everything I've made, get inspired, and pick up the work, and the world will be ready for it. In which case the idea that some sort of prophet/World Teacher archetype has been activated in me, and that this is all of world historical importance, becomes a little more palatable. 


Well hi! I just wanted to note that the Invocation was pretty difficult. There was a lot of Resistance. All the way through “Explain”—it was pretty unpleasant! And I was like, “Oh my god, I’m starting to spiral a little bit.” But I just prayed and got through it. And “Mother of Love” was great. So...fingers crossed for here on out. Wish me luck.

Definitely Resistance in the house today. (Can’t believe I just said that.)


That was “Moonage Daydream,” and I have not managed to break through yet. I’m doing okay, but there’s a lot of Resistance. I haven’t eaten today, but I kind of just want to go sit on the toilet for awhile (my stomach is bothering me). But on the whole I’m doing alright. Stay on top of it, stay in gratitude. You knew this was going to be a struggle today. You knew that. You could feel it. So when it’s like, “Well, last time it was like this, so, where is She now?” That doubt is all the opening Resistance needs. Worship, Pa. Give thanks. And have faith, have faith in the process, and have faith in Her. Particularly when things aren’t going right. Believing is easy when things are going your way. But belief and faith are only strengthened when they are tested. That’s all this is, is a test. It’s a test of you! A test of your fortitude and courage and determination and your mastery of your self. Staying lighthearted here, saying, “I’m not going to let myself get down here. I’m not.” It’s truly beautiful, and I love you for it.

There’s a pretty strong sense I’m being kept out of those celestial areas where I desperately want to go by Resistance. It’s presented in visionary space by these tiny little creepy crawly bugs that get all over everything. It’s a constant presence, and it has an impact. I can’t relax and enjoy, which is what is necessary for me to be able to go in those places. So that’s the meaning of my vision of wrestling with an opponent in a jiu jitsu gym. You have to be so strong you can hold this guy down with one hand and play the piano with the other. And unfortunately, they only way to get there is to fight strong opponents.


Well, “Blood and Thunder” was great. My heart opened up quite a bit—I really enjoyed it. But with my eyes closed I can still see these little bugs everywhere. So Resistance isn’t going anywhere for awhile. This is a presence you’ve felt coming in for the last week or so. You had a depression coming on. So you were worried about today. You knew it was going to be hard. Whatever that entity is, it’s here, and it’s here to fight. It’s to fight you. So far, Pa, you’re giving it right back. Fucking awesome. I love you, Pa. Here’s the thing, though, I’ve done two hits of pot on top of everything else, and yet I still not have any sense of being “high” per se, or open. I feel constricted. There is tension in my heart. I’m not relaxed. And I think that’s just my body’s autonomous reaction to this threatening presence. It feels that it’s there. So…you’re coping with it like a champ.


That was “Three Days” and it was quite an experience of complete celestial abandonment. Taken to the highest…and yet the instant I was back, the doubt was there. It ended up with a vision of me accepting the mantle of the second coming of Christ during the absolute exultation of the guitar solo at the end of the song. That was Resistance’s masterstroke during that particular combat. Because the emotional conflict between what I’d just seen and what I absolutely refuse to believe were pretty distracting, as you might imagine. I was constantly trying to untangle it and it hobbled my response.

Three hits of pot has left me really stoned, which is a new kind of experience. It requires concentration, it’s a different kind of energy to navigate in this space. That on top of the constant presence of Resistance is a lot to deal with. I’m not in Beliefspace now—I’m standing outside it. I’m just me—I’m not Pa Dammit. I’m not safe yet. I can’t relax. The level of Resistance I’ve been experiencing is basically global. The whole world against me.  


Jesus Christ, it’s already fading. That was “Don’t Look Back.” That was an absolutely mind-blowing experience. Up to and including being informed again that I am the second coming of Christ. Oh, okay, yep, mmmm hmmm. As it says in the video, “No point in trying to pretend it didn’t happen.”

You’re doing well, moment-to-moment. It’s like a fight, an extended battle. It comes in waves and you engage. You beat ‘em…you just have to. Every time you do it, you know you’re getting better at it. Your confidence increases. You’ve got more strength.

There were also some incredible glimpses into the energetic structures of the Universe. I saw expanses of these transparent hexagons, limned in electric blue, forming these vast spheres in space, in which were growing whole civilizations. This was my vision of them growing our universe in time. Then I was forcefully reintroduced to the idea of being an incarnation and being asked, “Why are you refusing to own this?” And then believing that for the remainder of the song. But it wasn’t ABSOLUTE transport. And then I was out, and it was like being thrown out of a nightclub. (Like that time I got thrown out of Sixteen for trying to break up a fight—I was just suddenly standing alone in an alley, the door shut in my face, the music muffled within). And it was like, SHE’S IN THERE. A titanic sun in the shape of a human body, a beautiful young woman, you are drawn to her at every level of your being, she is the point of you. And that, Pa, is how you must endeavor to feel about her.

Oh, but here they are—they (the bugs) come scurrying right back. Now they look like little meerkats or something. “I know you want me to stop—but I’m not stopping. If you want to make a fight out of it, I’m game. You want to step outside?”


I think it’s fair to say things have taken a favorable turn. I know a lot of the experience will be lost because I was too intent on having it to record what was going on during those last songs. I was just stoned and focusing on the singing, and investigating…using that to navigate, and realizing, “Oh, I really can control this.” That was a shift in my conscious awareness, my sense of self. Throughout the night it’s been interesting to witness these little shifts, like, “Oh, I used to understand things like this, but now I see it this way.” Then there’s a noticeable alteration.

It’s interesting to realize that these positions in your body (I think referring to feelings of tension in the muscles) are directly representative of what you’re thinking and feeling at the time. But it comes a split second after the neural activity. Which gives you in your seat of attention and opportunity to reconsider whatever it is you just thought. You can listen to what you body has to say about that thought, for good or ill. I think it’ll be very good to get more familiar with that idea and start practicing that awareness.  


I went all the way with Atomic. Too much to tell about. I was loved in so many ways. And yet…I could see myself at the end of my last vision, descending away from this…relationship…I was streaking back down to Earth…and when I hit the ground like a dinosaur-extincting comet, the impact was NO. That was the sound it made—a thunderous NO.


Jesus Christ! I don’t know what to tell you. Incredible. Jesus Christ. My thoughts were so clear until I ventured up against this thought of accepting this mantle of teacher, the Jesus Christ for this point in history. And my natural insane aversion to that almost completely takes over the experience. It required some massaging to get things back into alignment, and even then, I was starting off that song on the wrong foot. And that’s the thing about being in a fight with Resistance, it’s constantly plotting ahead. It has a strategy. If nothing else, just to fuck you up for as long as It can. Within everything its got. And all you can do is wear it out, grind it down, with the force of your own belief, until it’s gone. And you believe it yourself. Even as I speak I can feel that weight of unbelief in my chest.

“Best of My Love” now. I need to be able to listen to this and have fun, to really enjoy it, and open up to Her, WHILE Resistance is pushing this hard.  

Well…that was preposterously epic, a war from end to end, in which I managed to prevail.


That was a staggering emotional experience. It has everything to do with that point, that infinitesimal point between your external stimulus and your internal response. IF that makes sense.

That was…hard. That was pretty fucking hard. I think that’s the hardest it’s ever gone, the furthest I’ve ever gone, and still had success. Taking that enormous, unthinkable step into accepting…that Christ energy is in me now, so yes, technically speaking, that would make me the second coming of Christ. It’s one thing to say that, and something else entirely to believe that. Nobody…that is…to even get to that position you’ve got to be pretty fucking strong. This is the point…of solving this problem that Ma has posed, and Resistance is implacably opposed to that. That’s his job, to stop you, no matter what. Unfortunately for you, as you start to emerge as a contender, for one of these pieces that could play a pivotal role

(there was an image in my mind of a cosmic board game, game pieces like chess rooks, knights, etc. being put into position to execute actions, but they could transform, or unfold, or reorganize into new forms, with new abilities, and sometimes the only way to get a piece into the position where it could be most effective was to move it there in its larval state, so Resistance wouldn’t know just to wipe it off the board.)

He might’ve recognized your potential early on and tried to wipe you off the board and his opponents—us, on the upper levels—they anticipate that, so they’ve got a strategy. As long as they can stay out ahead of him, he has to react, it gives them a better chance of success. But he starts redoubling his energies against certain pressure points, moving around his energetic resources, especially when he realizes, ‘This has a statistical chance of working, especially if they are able to get these other pieces into position.” Which includes calculations about me ripening at the precisely right moment. There’s something very much about moving pieces around, and then they’ll be able to transform into higher order aspects of themselves.

(Ah, this brings up a partial memory, at the higher levels of being, you can talk to multiple levels of another entity at once, like if you get into a dispute with someone, you can take it up with their higher self directly. I kind of saw it as each of us being these slender filaments of light emanating from the celestial nucleus of the Godhead, and along the way there were nodes in the shape of human beings)


You really did a splendid job, Pa. I’m really happy with my performance tonight. I hung tough. It was dicey there for a bit. It could’ve gone either way. The first part of the night took FOREVER subjectively. You can tell a bad trip…a bad trip is when you’re counting the minutes until it’s over. That’s the definition of a bad trip. The definition of a good trip is you totally lose track of the passage of time, and suddenly you’re like, “Whoa, how did I get here? It’s three hours later.”

AHHH, at some point I got to use the line, “Don’t mess with me, I have the power of God and anime on my side!” and it struck me as so funny and so perfectly timed, when was that??





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