Skip to main content

Raw Notes from 2022-07-16 Ceremony


Flawless victory! Parts of this phonomantic working were tremendously challenging but I returned from the land of the dead with some real treasures. Thank God!

2022-07-16 – Ceremony Transcript (as Narrated on Video)


For the first time in about two-and-a-half years I'm going to be working with a full PA set-up, in total privacy, so I'll be able to make a lot of noise and really sing out. Super excited about that! I'm going to be working on 7g of cubensis backed with a water extract of 4g Syrian seeds, pot, and vaped DMT. 

My goal for today, as influenced by a book called Existential Kink, is to greet every experience, whether positive or negative, with "Fuck yeah! Thank you!" I'm seeking to exercise the kind of self-mastery that allows you to get off on both pleasurable and painful stimuli. To be in control of yourself, if not the situation.


As you play the game of PHONOMANCER, one thing you can do (especially if you’re sitting by yourself), is imagine you’re in a full phonomantic temple environment. There are dozens and dozens of people present and you have a full complement of Rhythm Phonomancers with you and you’re all in it together. Think about how you would feel in that situation. Rather than sitting here and feeling the first waves of anxiety and trying to process it by yourself, imagine what it would be like to be with them, how you would still feel the same things but you’d process it in a completely different way. You have friends that are into this stuff with you, and they really understand it and are making great progress themselves. And you have all the resources you need to fully realize your vision and a dedicated space. An enormous space with huge video screens and all the special effects and everything you could want to create the most amazing experience. Pretend you’re there. Play make-believe. That’s what you need to do.


Just started and I haven’t even done the Invocation of the Angels yet. But I wanted to make a note that what you’re seeing early on is just you peering through layers of the unconscious. Even when things come up that are disturbing you’re just wading through deeper parts of your own mind (that said, there may be layers where you’re kind of picking up transmissions from the local psychic environment). There’s nothing to be particularly concerned about. Don’t let it affect you. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t let the imagery disconcert you or make you feel like you’re off to a bad start. Just be curious about it, and realize it’s what you have to wade through to get where you want to go. It’s the same things you see when you are in meditation and you have those subtle shifts in the quality of your consciousness. When all of a sudden you’re seeing coherent images emerge from the pleroma. What comes up initially in a psilocybin journey is the same thing.


The medicine is starting to open up. What’s really come home for me is that you have to concentrate on the vocal. You sing, but you need to hear the recorded voice as your own. You are singing with Bowie’s voice. Remap your physical experience on what you’re hearing and identify with it completely. Be Bowie. In this surround sound environment it’s so much easier because you can actually sing out and still hear the music louder than yourself.

The other thing is, don’t be greedy. You feel some magic? You feel a little of the energy of the mushrooms flowing through you? Thank Christ for it! Don’t be disappointed if it’s not totally transporting. Enjoy it for what it is. Don’t ask it to be more. Don’t compare it to past experiences and feel cheated. That is a weapon Resistance can use against you. So don’t allow that. Just constantly be like “Fuck yeah, thank you!” to everything. Everything that comes to your attention, good and bad, endorse it. Find a way to enjoy it.


So the proper order of attention is music, then emotion, then whatever visionary response. Don’t be looking at your visuals as an indicator for how things or trying to harvest energy from them. Don’t do that. Engage with the music. It sounds amazing in this environment. The more you can be fascinated by that, the more things will open up.

During “Up and Atom” the energy was really dry and austere. No magic. I was being held captive in a dreary castle. But as I kept concentrating on the music I saw people pounding on the gates and the doors and eventually streaming in to liberate me. And at a certain point the quality of the energy changed. It was still a castle, now coming apart, but the texture of the vision was much richer, way more detail on the environment and the colors more vibrant. So much of it was black limned in glowing red—Resistance colors. The energy was more vivid and alive and electric.

I’m under a lot of tension—there’s a lot of Resistance bearing down on me—but as long as you maintain that “Fuck yeah, thank you!” attitude, you’re going to be golden Pa, okay?



Use your body. Don’t forget! Get your muscles into it early and often. Flex, pose, build your determination and your fighting spirit. Feel alive! All these things can contribute to the quality of your experience and help you put down that Resistance that’s trying to hold you back.

You also have to stay on it with imagining the space. You’re not alone. You’re on a team, supporting each other in this work. You’re going through it together. You have a reason to persevere and triumph—they need you to!


The tricky part is concentrating on the song and disregarding your own voice. It’s a matter of shifting focus and you can totally control that.

The other thing that was amazing working with that song was holding the vision of my team working together. When the guitar solo turns into the main riff and the sigil of St Michael appears on the screens, all the phonomancers and the whole audience hit a power stance with both hands raised in the heavy metal horns, focusing aggression and commitment. A hundred people all copping that attitude at the same time! And then exploding back into dancing. It was extremely energizing 😊 And so buoying and fantastic.

I feel like Resistance is throwing everything at me to stop me. And this is how it’s going to be going forward. It’s never going to be easy again. The shelter you can find, the way you get through it is by being with other people and using that collective energy to beat it. You keep getting stronger and stronger until you’re no longer holding Resistance down with one hand so you can conduct a symphony with the other, you’re inviting it to dance. You’ll dance with this snarling energy that wants to kill you, but you can lead, steer it, harness it, ride it.

46 & 2

That was fucking spectacular!

Opening up to the nuclear explosions at the end of the video was this incredible emotional catharsis. Not so much a visionary one. I can still feel that I’m carrying a ton of Resistance. He is resisting that orgasmic visionary release. But damn I love it! This is how you have a good time. This is how you make a difficult situation fun and entertaining. You’re not dragging your way through it. You’re thinking, “I can’t wait to see what happens next!”


How do you feel? I feel…good. But I’m not high. And I need to get high.


Got a burst of energy from somewhere on that. Shout out to my man Cernunnos, the Horned One.

This is not a walk in the park but it’s FAR from a drag.

I just got an image, behind a filter of blue: a woman cleaning a shower. And superimposed over it are these images of vermin. Mice and bugs. Resistance is here. It’s here. It’s interesting to note the phenomenology of it. How it’s presenting. And then also the difficulty in believing that Resistance is real. It has this way of disguising itself—it makes you disbelieve in its existence. It hides itself from your thoughts. So when you try to engage with it, it’s not just difficult, it’s uncomfortable—it just suddenly seems pointless. “Why are you bothering? This is madness.” When you try to look right at it and describe it’s effects, it’s really hard. You have to think about it sideways.


“He’s coming to save the day!”

Space Lord was hard! A lot of Resistance there. And then…it was redeemed in the Bowie reprise. By singing along you are basically inducting yourself into this cadre of people who are all seeking to incarnate that Ziggy Stardust energy the way we imagine it. He’s coming to save the day! In the form of you! You embody that energy, that superhero energy, however you imagine it and what it means to you. You bring that out into the world all the time. Come back here with us to recharge, and feel it, and then bring it to everyone else. And you will. If you get high enough, you’ll feel it for sure. And it’ll change your life when you realize your essential identity with it.

In other news…I feel sober. I’m getting all of the tension of tripping—bad tripping—but little in the way of that energy. It’s not a matter of being greedy; I need that energy to access higher levels of spirit. Which is what we’re doing this for, right? Not just to survive, but to plug into those energies and bring em back into the world for the benefit of all.


It’s an interesting challenge to fight something you can’t even see as real. That actively hides itself from your thoughts. But the quality of the experience when he is pressing close is so dry, I’m barely tripping, just in a really unpleasant state of anxious tension. And when you’re working with a song, you just can’t…it’s hard. You can’t find any enjoyment in the music, and therefore no energy. Because Resistance—the Devil—is attacking you at a heart level. He impedes your ability to love. He blocks love. That is the essence of his power. But if you can keep concentrating on the music, and trust, no matter how unpleasant things get…don’t focus on anything except the music.

There are times when it just sounds bad. Cacophonous. That’s how bad Resistance can get. The Devil has infected your heart. You can’t even remember why you ever liked this music, which is some of your favorite music ever. You just want it to stop. But if you can keep listening, find something that reminds you of why you love this music, it’ll give you the tiniest flicker of energy, and you can use that to set your spirit afire. And all of a sudden things will start to open up again. And things get easier. Thank Christ!

In the past, once you got that to place, you could relax. You were in. But now you know that can be revoked at any time. Because your Higher Self wants to see how you’ll handle it. You need to be able to impose your will on the situation even when feelings of doubt and depression occur, like “You’ll never get through this.” Or “This is never going to work again.” Or “Why do you keep doing this, it’s never going to feel good.” You just have to get past him. Can’t let it stop you.

It's hard. I know it’s hard. It’s a battle. This is what a priest is now. A priest who works at this level is a fighter. And the best way for you to think of this now is, you are in a fight. You’ve been in fights. When things are going well, it’s easy. You feel great, can’t wait to get back out there. When you’re getting your ass handed to you, things are bad and getting worse, and you’re tired, well, you’ve gotta dig deep. Find something.

And that something is the love you feel for the song.


 I was in the ecstatic state. But there’s SO MUCH RESISTANCE I can barely now feel the majesty of what I just experienced.

At the end of that song, God Himself told me that I was sent to teach the world a new way to religion. And as I speak those words aloud, I can just feel this…aghhh…this force pressing down on me. (head hands in exhaustion). This pressure trying to push me down.

Fuck yeah, thank you!

You have to take that hit. And you have to enjoy that deeper sense of dread that you’ve still got hours to go and how are you ever going to get through this, and fuck that! You’re a warrior. This is a fight, and you are going to fight until you win. There’s no offering a draw, let along conceding defeat. You’re going to knock this guy out. And if you can’t do that you’re going to fight to the very fucking end. We give it everything we have, Pa, every time.

Come at it right. It’s not a matter of whether Ma shows up. It’s whether you show up under this stress. Not being discouraged when all the energy is coming from you.

I feel decently high, but there’s still aridity. There’s threat.

When you break through, exult in it. Otherwise, don’t complain. Do your job and look for stuff to bring back. Not every expedition is going to be the big one. But you never know! That’s why we keep doing it. We’re building ourselves by going up against this thing that pushes back against us. We build that spirit.


A few brief moments of respite. Fuck yeah, thank you! It’s matter of managing expectations and being in control. Because if you let those feelings fester in this environment they become a vector for our Resistance. Our friend, who’s part of us. Who is in fact, truly, our unconscious self.


(phone had shut down—charger unplugged)

Oh hi, got a little physical manifestation from Resistance. It’s in the field. It’s fine.


He really is an Enemy, in that he’ll use anything against you he can. He’ll reach out from behind enemy lines to stir up discontent and resentment.

Just listen to the song. As soon as you relax into it, the effects of the medicine open right up.

(Nice footage of singing along—lipsynching, really, but it’s dramatic.)

(I talk to the bugs and vermin)


(before song starts)

You have to find the energy in the opposition, Pa. Make your own energy. Harvest it from your feelings.

Stop living off Daddy’s money, Pa, start making your own!


Ha! Well, shit! “Atomic” went well 😊

Holy fuck! I fucking feel great. I feel amazing. And that’s in the face of all the Resistance that can get in my way. And again, he avoids being thought of. He makes it seem like he’s not there. Like you’re talking about something that’s meaningless. That’s the kind of thought that appears. It’s even difficult to stick with trying to talk about Him in this state because he obfuscates himself.

And yet you got the full blast confirmation that it’s all happening. That the money is on its way. Every saying that, I can feel Resistance laying in against it. Trying to stop it. And knowing that it is fucking doomed.  


That was fucking amazing.

But also at the end there were images like dirty rags, and barbed wire fences, and a dirty bucket filled with filthy, foamy water, and of course the bugs—all these images I associate with Resistance--all crowding in close to me. Yet I wasn't threatened. Somehow I understood that these represented spirits  here because they sensed the Goddess energy in my consciousness and sought Her. Having been through this before, I knew I needed to engage with love—to offer them comfort—to find in the demonic image the bit of personhood that needs to be reassured that it’s going to be okay, because all they know right now is misery. You reassure them, and in doing so, you are an aspect of the Goddess. You do your best to tap into the energy of the mother archetype. Whether that comes is really up to Her. What matters if your ability to focus and make ready those channels to bring that love into the world. Moving it through effort and practice.


Super strong imagery of dumptrucks, and dust, concrete dust, a lot of jackhammer noise, a lot of meanness. Resistance in the person of a boss who does not like you. He doesn’t want you on the crew. He keeps you around just to have someone to be cruel to. Because it’s fun. That’s how he thinks about things. You’re his punching bag.

Yeah. That’s the nature of what you’re up against.

It gets ugly. And really personal. And primal. Very, very quickly. A mean dog. A violent neighbor. Squalor. Dead end lives. That kind of thing. “Who the fuck do you think you are? You think you’re better than me?” That energy.


I lost sight of what this is!

This is a musical in which you star.

In the Transcendental Disco, you are playing the role of Penny B. You are her. And those moments, whatever was just described in the narration, that’s what she’s going through, so you need to find a way to inhabit that character and feel those feelings. And then get in there and sing and dance and express those feelings as Penny B. As your character. And everyone present is doing the same thing. They’re all starring in the musical, too. The better job you do of acting, the easier it becomes to obtain the visionary results. It’s more real. Because you’ll have to dig into your own experience in order to act well.


So, of course, he’s on me. Immediately.


Well, if you’re looking for reassurance, in terms of what is your visionary space showing you…that was fucking FULL BLAST GODHEAD. God’s endorsement that you are doing this. That you are executing their plan. And at the same time I feel the force of what is arrayed against it.

It’s difficult to talk about it because of what this thing is. It’s so fascinating. You try to catch this thing that doesn’t want to be seen. It avoids my desire by design. It’s an empty room. It’s not anything except a presence. A force.

And at their (the gods) level…

For them, intervening at our level of reality is something like providing the inspiration that led to the writing of that song. And all the circumstance that led to the life of the artist that wrote that song. That’s a move at their strategic level. By the rules of their game, that’s as close as they can come to direct action on our level of reality—at least, without spending inordinate resources they might save for actual miracles. They mostly just arrange things. They have a desired outcome and they’ve made a plan to achieve it. Resistance acts to thwart it, and there’s also a certain amount of random chance thrown in just to keep things spicy.

Also, they’re balancing their long-term strategy versus your development as an individual. You growing into the final form the Goddess has designed. The realization of you as an idea in the mind of the Holy Ma.

The ultimate solution to the Mystery she’s posed them is there—it’s finished, it’s a perfect sculptured object she’s made. The end state of the entire universe. Their problem is figuring out the path to creating it.

When they solve it, Existence continues on at our level, but they move on to other, more challenging puzzles. But their work is done. It’s an achievement they can put on the mantle to admire. They can study it, learn from it. And then they ask their Ma for another problem. That’s how they spend eternity.

Being aware of all that, and then transcending the force that’s trying to stop you from bringing these ideas to the world, a force that you can’t really think about, something you have to come at sideways…it’s an interesting challenge. Glad you’re up for it, Pa 😊

If I don’t try to think about it, though, if I just let myself feel it, I can see it. Corrosion. Worn fight gear. Dusty. Dirty. That is him. Determined to stop me at any cost. Stop me from bringing people together. I can feel the Resistance against it.

The DMT helps me pop past that. I get to a level where it’s no longer a ceaseless effort to act. I feel energy flow through me use it to power my actions. 

POLEGNA E TODORA's video of me enduring spiritual ecstasy.



Now THAT is a great fucking idea!

Make a YouTube show that’s Shonda Freude giving dating advice.

Ask her questions! She’s a failed Jungian analyst. She dropped out. So she knows a little. But she doesn’t know that much!

If you can do it in character and make it funny but also frank and sensible it will GROW ITSELF. It’s a beyond perfect idea. You can create a character who will take on a life of her own. And people will give you the content. They will ask you questions. Then you can just work on the character.

Learn how to do it. Get more outrageous. And at the same time, have a backstage channel: “Here’s why I’m doing what I’m doing.” That’s a second channel.

Get better at being a drag queen. Work at it. Be DAN SAVAGE as Shonda Freude.




I have to get this info out, but a book was not the way to do it. THIS IS HOW IT’S GOING TO GET DONE.


Thank Christ.

Thank you for everything.


Just a side note on singing technique.

There’s a whole different level of what you have thought of as singing that is actually singing.

In actual singing it’s like playing the violin.

It’s a continuous vibration. But with a finer onset that makes it crisper. Better.

I’m so psychologically invested in singing.

But on a tactile level it’s an entirely different experience. You’re basically tuning notes on a single endlessly vibrating string. Like sliding a finger up and down the fingerboard on a violin. Everything else is just positions to project that sound.

For people who can really sing, they do this on an unconscious level. They optimize these different pressure areas against different sharp edges. You’re pushing air out, but simultaneously drawing in on it using the action of muscles in the sinus cavities. It draws the air against edges like the cartilage of the nose. You’re drawing in at different angles to create different harmonic overtones. It’s entirely a matter of muscular control. Contracting these tiny muscles at the right time draws the air back to resonate in the sinuses.

It's not something you’re consciously thinking about. You’ve just practiced it so much it’s automatic.

I just want to say thank you to everybody that made today possible. Speaking to my imaginal support staff.

When the money is there and you can pay people you can concentrate on your development. 


You’re a fighter and you’re staying in shape, because every two weeks you’ve got a fight. A contest. Not an all or nothing slugfest, ego on the line thing. It’s two guys showing up and playing a game.

You live a life that supports that. You do what is necessary to optimize your performance.

Your next fight is against an invisible opponent. It can be interpreted artistically.

By taping the phonomantic fighter in action over the course of their four hour experience, they are going to engage with something that will try to stop them, and they will overcome it.

Being in that state of free flow, there’s nothing stopping it anymore. I feel fucking amazing. And super focused. 


What matters is how it makes you feel. Because this is how you draw energy at this level of being. You feel things on purpose. The more I speak on this the more this reality comes into focus, a megapolis filled with these superconscious beings who are having these incredibly ornate private lives that interact with those of their friends. They truly enlightened among those create pocket realities within their own consciousnesses. And the inhabitants of those pocket consciousness create realties of their own, and the people there creates realities, and etc.

And that, friends, is a productive way to think about eternity.

Realize the that Uber Enjoyer is Ma. At the very top level, this is one perfect thing She’s created. Perfect by definition. She is the God/dess.

As I’m speaking these words, the thudding reality of this is just fucking amazing. It’s a really cool place to be of utter belief. But understanding that you are interpreting things. Still, they are more or less correct.

That’s something you have to feel for yourself. With practice, the way you feel about things becomes a guidance system. Ask yourself about anything: “How do I feel about this? Should I do it or not?” And then learn to trust that immediate response. Build that unconscious aspect of yourself into a best friend.


My brand new laptop totally bricked when it came time to do the Anne Frank working.

I couldn’t get it to restart.

And then I realized that even if I could, I couldn’t rely on it not to die in the middle of the working.

So I had to see it as an attack by Resistance.

It’s an effort to have that thought, though.

We are blocked, and we need to get through what we need to in order to proceed.


As of now, I’m a character in a story. I’m The Most Interesting Person in the World. Or I might be. Watch what I do.

In this story, I’m totally funded. Self-funded. I came up with a character. It’s part of a show I do, called The First Church of David Bowie Shamanic Cabaret. (Ever time you tell the story, you start cracking up when you say the title. You edit together multiple attempts of you trying to say it without laughing.) Cause it’s so ridiculous but so awesome at the same time. Which is what this whole thing is.

It’s a religion based on listening so intently, and singing along so ardently, that you actually experience yourself as the vocalist on the recording. You get caught up in that celestial moment, that immortalized for all time moment in that recording. Any now anybody can come back and feel for themselves what that moment felt like. It’s just a fictional space. But the more people who come to visit it, the stronger it gets. 


Somehow this has something to do with what whatever fantastic movement of music that is the ultimate idea of what is happening. And now you can watch this guy talk about, and figuring it out, in real time. He explains, these are my objectives. Here’s the plan. Here’s what went wrong. Here’s what we’re going to do about it. Always with a plan, we always have a plan, we always have a plan. It’s the vision of where we’re going: the New Atlantis. Metropolis. Birthed as an idea of a planetary civilization. The Earth surrounded by a jeweled web of floating cities. That is the future we want to live in. Indra’s net. A sphere made of hexagons of blue light. And at every vertex an orbiting city, a bubble, a medium in which unique cultures are born and cultivate and cross-pollinated.

We have ascended. We keep sampling new waves of loving Her based on new ways of experiencing Her. We collaborate with Her to create elaborate plays, engines of emotion.

A setting for a movie: here’s what heaven is actually like. You’re moving through the world, and you can see that some people are playing roles in a show, but don’t actually know it. They think they are living in reality. But you can see it’s all a show.

I’m a character in the show, but I’m also an author. I’m creating a metanarrative that I’m planting in the collective mind that could grow into a new reality. Through entertainment. In this story, I’m going to be one of the most famous people who’s ever lived.


There is no way I will fuck it up. There is no question as to whether I will execute when the money arrives in my bank account. 100%, turn on the turbobooster, let’s go, I’ve fucking got this. I haven’t lost a month by not writing this book/ I’ve got this fucking idea to make money, man! This is going to be very good. For a tight little cadre. Me and Eden, and only people who are cool. We’ll have heated conversations about what that means. When going to produce so much material that it’s going to take a squadron of PhD candidates a generation to unpack it all and put it into place. And deploy it knowingly as a thing in reality. “Go take part in it, it’s fucking astonishing, you’ll have the best fucking time. But you have to let yourself know what you’re in for. And to explain it, we’ve made a show.”

These people go through the process, and it’s treated as a documentary film.

It’s about us. Living our lives. Living like aesthetic monks. We’re a band. We’re driven. We’re artists.

Don’t wait for those people to show up in reality. Create them. You don’t have to plot this. Create the characters, hire the people to play them, then let them get after it. “Don’t worry about drama. You just concentrate on getting this character to their best possible life in this context. Whatever that means to you as the artist. What do you do?”

All these people living in this conscious way refer to themselves as “pararealists.” They’re constantly thinking about why things are happening. And recognizing that their interpretation of events is creating the reality they inhabit.

Verve. Drive. That’s what we need. Bring people in.

Make a movie. Once you start making a movie, this documentary, this fictional reality, people will want to be in it. You won’t have to ask anyone. After awhile they’ll be asking you.


Just got clipped as you were bringing that thought home. Aint nobody likes that down, mean, junkyard, death, rape and squalor aspect of resistance…is kind of a turn-on, right?

The big jump is going to be between, “I’m asking you to listen to me” and “You want to listen to me.”


You create the reality first in a fiction space, and then you instantiate it into consensus reality. You know, like the Monkees.

“This is a game that we’re gonna play in this room.

We’re gonna perform a jukebox musical. We’re gonna sing and dance and have a really good time while we’re on mushrooms.

You’re gonna star in the musical. You’re gonna play a character, and really try to feel the feelings of the character in the story. In the first part, you’re gonna play a character named Ged. In the second part, you’re gonna play a character named Penny B.”

When you’re trying to make an adroit recovery, you can never go wrong by finding something to feel, finding its raw edge, and then mining that edge for energy. That’s what you’re doing all the time, you’re mining your feelings for energy. Somehow you feed off them. It drives you in certain directions.

Now that you’re a character in a documentary, you better make sure you do things right.  


Popular posts from this blog

So What is the First Church of David Bowie Shamanic Cabaret?

A New Way to Use Psychedelics

I want to tell you about my approach to working with psychedelics, because I think I'm breaking new ground. If you or someone you know is working along similar lines, get in touch. I want to talk with you. For now, at least, I'm calling this approach "phonomancy," meaning "divination via sound." If you're a recreational user, it likely won't appeal to you. If you're someone who's dipping your toe in the psychedelic water via microdosing, or someone who is primarily interested in using psychedelics to treat trauma, depression, or addiction issues, you might find the practice I'm going to describe off-putting or even alarming. That's because phonomancy is not therapeutic--it's augmentative. It's a program for developing supranormal emotional and spiritual capacities via psychological hormesis. Some risk, pain, and fear are part of the process. But that's the price of transformation. THE ORIGINAL TWO "S

Ceremony Report #6 - The Divine Pygmalion

  Hey! Here's the report I filed for the phonomantic rite held on Sunday, May 30th, 2021.   And here is the transcription of my narration of my experience: “Up and Atom” This was noteworthy for two reasons. Before the song started, I was confronted with Resistance in the form of an African tribal deity. Its initial presentation was as a swarm of brown and black beads streaming out of the jungle. These resolved into tiny gorilla heads, and then these gathered into a massive ball that became the head of an idol. It was utterly opposed to me—it had something to do with racial grievance. And I engaged it and told it was right to be pissed, but that I would work to make things right. So I moved on, and in the context of working with the song , I started to see a white glow in the bottom periphery of my awareness. She was a sun. I could feel it roaring through. There was a sense that I was enclosing it, like a Dyson sphere, and I was absorbing as much of the energy as I could ta