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Raw Notes from 2021-03-27 Ceremony

 

 

Planning on shooting a commentary video tonight. Here, just for the record, is the transcription of my narration of yesterday's ceremony. It was incredible. 

All praise to the One Who Makes It All Possible. I love you, Ma!

 

2021-03-27 – Ceremony Transcription

0:00

Hey! Oh shoot, I didn’t hook up the microphone, hopefully this will record okay. I’m in the middle of a ceremony, just about to start the StereoMyth. So far, so good. Encountered significant resistance early on. But not in a way that bothers me. I came up with a new mantra: “I’m free to enjoy myself. I am safe in the arms of my beloved, the Great Goddess.” I just kept repeating it over and over again. I hit points where I would see twisted things, like sheep torn apart, spatters of blood everywhere, a corpse in a bathtub, blood on the walls, and I could feel the tension in my body and heart, that fear, and I simply did not allow it to get to me. And now I feel pretty good! So, I’m free to enjoy myself.

12:35 – “Moonage Daydream”

What I’ve come to realize is Resistance comes in the form of any emotion that stands in the way of you achieving your goal for the evening, which is breaking through. So any kind of disappointment, that’s Resistance, and you just have to laugh at it. At the end of “Moonage Daydream,” I didn’t break through. And it was so instructive about how necessary it is to manage my expectations in the moment. The waves of transporting Divine energy didn’t come, and I started feeling like, “You’re a fraud, this doesn’t work,” and blah blah blah—that’s all Resistance.

21:16 – “Up and Atom”

That was a titanic struggle (big smile). But it was awesome and what it shows is that any disappointment you feel…I mean, for awhile there, the medicine was super active, and I was having intense closed-eye visuals of racing through these churning psychedelic tunnels, but there was a sense of, “Is this it? This is all there is?” A sense of meaninglessness about it. That’s all Resistance. You have to not be attached to the outcome. All that matters is the moment, and how you’re processing the situation you’re in. The dose you’re on, the music at a certain volume, and whatever it is that’s standing against you—how are you handling it? Are you keeping your attitude right? Are you enjoying yourself? Are you able to concentrate even with the TREMENDOUS chaos that’s blasting in your ears?

If the answer to those questions is “Yes,” then you’ve achieved success. Enjoy it! Just keep doing your job, and don’t worry about anything but this moment. Don’t worry about whether this session is going to produce anything meaningful or noteworthy. Don’t be mad about not being able to access the energies of Spirit. Remember: you are not the one who decides when those moments arrive. They are visits by entities that have their own agenda. It’s not an automatic thing. The don’t come simply because you call them. They’re not your pets! You’re their pet. Their construction. If you can remember that, and simply serve faithfully in that moment, in this situation you’ve put yourself in, then that is going to be the jam.

27:46 – “Used for Glue”

It’s super helpful to visualize those five followers of yours, the beautiful young women singing and dancing along, enjoying themselves immensely, and in the moment with you, like really meaning it. Sharing that experience. You can cast whoever you want in those roles. Feel something for each of them. Allow your imagination to fill in the details of your relationship and their personalities. Live it in that moment like it’s real. It’s extremely energizing and supporting as you deal with Resistance. It’s still there. But it’s like that vision you had: you are getting strong enough to stand against it. You’ll have to keep coming up with new techniques because every experience is different, and you have to not be attached to the outcome. What matters is being in the shit, in this moment, and not worrying about anything else. Just keeping your psychology at a point where you’re having a good time.

Should we do more rappe? Jesus Christ, Pa! Well, it’s my party, soooo…. (I ended up hitting the rappe about 9 times in the course of the ceremony).

Ok, time for “46 & 2”…what don’t I want to know about myself? How am I lying to myself?

I am true to myself, and true to Her.

37:13 – “46 & 2”

“46 & 2” was good. There’s a strong sense of grappling with Resistance. It’s sitting on me, keeping me from the deeper places I can go with the medicine. It’s a fight (big grin). It uses that leverage of disappointment with me. If I was working on anything during that song it was making conscious my own greedy inner child who wants more intense visions, that sense, “What the hell is this?!” that makes it easy for me to exit the mundane and enter beliefspace. But it comes in its own time. You’re not even halfway through the StereoMyth. And it might never come. In which case, the question, “How’re you doing?” I’m doing alright. Still getting by just on my own power. But strong enough that I can enjoy myself as long as I modify my expectations. Because that’s where He’s working me. He understands that by quelling the visionary experience, he can expose a weakness in me. So I need to retain my upbeat position and sense of having a good time in the face of all that. It’s a game.

Victory is assured. But some fights go longer than others. Even against the same opponent. It’s just how it is, the nature of the competition. So, I am having fun, but no I’m not able to relax and let the medicine open all the way. That’s okay. I can operate in the vacuum of it, which is what I’ve been asked to do.

43:48 – “Blood and Thunder”

Resistance put in a good kick on that one. But it’s a more subtle game. It’s denying me the vivid closed eye visions, and trying to whittle me down on the basis of my disappointment.

It’s just like any fight. You don’t walk into a fight having already won. That wouldn’t be a fight. There wouldn’t be any content. It’s a matter of how you frame it. Yeah there’s an effort. Yeah there’s a battle. But you are enough. You can handle it, and it is worth it. You will get past Him, and you’ll encounter the Divine. Enjoy yourself. You will get there.

Pa, you are free to enjoy yourself. You are safe in the arms of your Beloved.

You are safe! Enjoy yourself. You love this song.

58:20 – “Space Lord/Moonage Daydream Reprise”

Good! At the end of that song, you got a glimpse of the Divine Presence. You saw the Sacred Heart and the Chalice.

1:11:07 – “Three Days”

“Three Days” was awesome. Resistance made an unexpected attack right at the end, during the outro guitar solo when I’m usually so exultant. It used that against me, that sense of “Shouldn’t more than this be happening right now? Why am I not feeling the way I want to feel?”

Anyway, I guess my point is, despite the large amount of psychoactive chemicals in my system (4g cubensis + 1.5g azurens + 3.5g water extract of Syrian rue + 2 hits of pot) the effects are being repressed, and simply cannot access that energy. Which is fine. It’s whatever game they want to play. If it ends up being a struggle the whole night, we can do that, and still have a good time. We don’t get discouraged, and we don’t complain.

Actually, we do, a lot (laughs). But we pick up and keep going anyway. It’s more difficult than it needs to be, it’s not going perfectly, that’s fine. I only have you choads to work with. I’m making the best of it (laughs).

(At this point, I am experiencing cold sweats, a symptom of exposure to the demonic.)

1:13:55

Oh, I meant to say, at the end of that song, the images became much more vivid for a little while. And I saw…it still wasn’t super convincing, but I saw myself, my personality being presented as, I’m exactly who I want to be right now. I’m ready for action. For whatever action the higher-ups want to take, I’m ready. And now it’s just a matter of maintaining that edge.

It’s like I’m a technical sergeant on this project, and I have to maintain the highest level of efficiency of this engine I’ve been given care of.

(This was the first part of a story that developed through the rest of the ceremony. I was a game piece on the board of a game the gods were playing. But I was also a sentient weapon, an ultra high-tech machine designed for one purpose: to withstand Resistance and bring this idea, this solution to the Problem of the Universe <tm> to realization. More on this later.)

1:20:05 – “Don’t Look Back”

“Don’t Look Back” was deeply instructive. Every time I started to feel some kind of transcendent moment, I got really inappropriate images of the Old West, like a ranch in the late 19th century, and it really deadened my response to the song. I had to actively work past those images to get back to the celestial. And then bam! They’d be back again. And I realized, “This isn’t just in your imagination. Resistance really is in issue. It’s really standing against you. Now, how do you handle it?”

It’s a different problem every time. They main thing is, getting to the end in an intact, positive frame of mind. All the decisions you make now are getting you there.

One of the things that makes it so hard to fight off these entities is that they are effectively invisible in your consciousness. They are unconscious. You don’t know that they are affecting you. Or at least, it takes you a little while to notice, and at that point damage has been done. The better you get at detecting their presence, the sooner you can act to counter it, the more power you’ll have over them.

So, at this point, I’m doing a lot of high-level visionary stuff, but I’m still just me. I have not been able to exit where I am and enter beliefspace yet. As evidenced by the presence of the bugs. They’re still trying to stop me.

I’m just Sean Manseau, not Pa Dammit, and thus unable to access cosmic energy. Resistance is working so hard to hold it down. Of course you want that freedom and joy provided by exulting in the energy of the medicine. But it’s fighting you for it. How do you feel about it?  

1:28:50 – “Common People”

How are we doing? We’re good. Tired. He fought us to the end there, and we never got to break through. But on the whole, things are going well. This is where the conditioning comes in. In a few minutes, we’ll be good as new.

300 miles of highway ahead. You’re not going to let a little thing like that get you down, are you? Again, stay in the moment, modulating how your expectations impact your emotional state. This is what you…until the spirit world opens and you are enveloped in beliefspace, it’s all just you. And your cognitive organization. All right? Yeah. You can do it. It’s a constant battle, still. I cannot simply relax. I am in a contested state. I mean, I can stay relaxed, but I’m in a fight. When you’re in a fight, you know you’re in a fight. So you’re hanging with it…it’s a wrestling match. It’s very dogged, very aggressive, very smart. And you keep working against Him. It’s an opportunity to get stronger working against a savage opponent. And not complain that it’s you on your own. This is you being superhuman, training yourself, training your personality to handle this kind of stress, and enjoy it. Concentrating under a heavy load and maintaining complete lucidity. No blurriness, no lack of clarity. Which is both good and bad. Is that an aspect of Resistance? Is my concentration aiding it in suppressing the effects of the medicine? I don’t know. I’d like to be dreamier, and still this organized. That’s something I can do.

1:37:45 – “Could This Be Magic?”

You could see in real time the Resistance counterattack! WOW. I didn’t get in. He stopped me. And it’s okay. I’m not at all dissuaded. I’ve passed the test a thousand times over. Staying organized and calling it in. Calling Her in.

And realizing that I need to market myself as a performer. This is my performance: I’m going to go into religious ecstasy listening to this song. You can find it beautiful and moving and worth supporting me as an artist, or not, but here it is. You make an explanation of yourself at every level: who you are, and what you’re doing. Okay?

1:40:05 – “Also Sprach Zarathustra”

HA! He will not let me break through. It’s fucking hilarious.

It’s everything but. I simply cannot relax into that letting-go-ness.

It’s becoming this sort of erotic chase. I’m after Her and she’s holding back. Holding me off from entering that space.

The Goddess is invited. Never, never, never demanded.

We dance to attract her. To solicit Her interest. That’s what we’re doing here, okay?

1:52:28 – “Atomic”

You’re doing such a good job, Pa! This is hard! This is going to be “Umbrella,” and you’re still doing this through sheer force of will. Not to say you’re not having a good time, you are, you’re doing great with it, you’re in an upbeat mood and everything. But you’re not “in,” and carried along on that Spirit energy. You’re doing it on your own, and gladly, and you’ll carry it all the way to the end if you have to.

1:57:07 – “Umbrella”

It was amazing how in those few moments when I got past him, how incredibly everything opened up. The difference was staggering. The energy was just like FWWOOOOOOOSSSHHH! And then He came back, clawing at me, trying to thwart my enjoyment of that moment. You leapt into action, inviting that Presence, and defending Her against the things that would stop you. In that moment She is there. And She loves you, Pa. She loves you! You’re doing a really good job, and you are 100% ready. The moment is coming, Pa. You have taken it as far as you need to. Now we’re going to invest ourselves in a thermodynamic miracle, see if we can’t get you the resources you want.

And already the bugs are swarming back. The NO.

2:01:07 – “Best of My Love”

I can see them! I can see them so clearly in my mind’s eye right now. They’re like a sudden gallery of Marvel villains. Presenting very clearly. Guys in S&M masks forged from plate steel, and luchador costumes. Fuck! A rogue’s gallery. Can I help you guys, or what? They’re what’s throwing a variety of unhelpful images or political issues that arise with this song. They’ll use anything to throw you off your enjoyment of this song. And in a sense they’re doing you a favor, because they’re raising topics that you could think about. Maybe there are problematic things about using this song. About the culture that presented this song. There’s Resistance digging in, making it hard to think. You can feel it like a weight pressing down against you. You stay lucid. Considerate it. Talk to it. Check in.

“What’s up, Pa?” I ask them.

“Just keeping you on your toes, Junior,” they say.

You get drive-bys of other entities. You deal with them, then get back to what you’re about. That is being a shaman, Pa.

2:03:38

He’s attacking meaning itself and my ability to take aesthetic enjoyment from this story (that Shonda Freude is telling between songs). He makes it seems meaningless or superficial. And again, I’m getting images of early 80s men with centered parted, feathered hair, and cheap suits, swarming. This is a representation of the transpersonal force that’s trying to stop you. That’s how your imagination is characterizing this energy.

Simply…do not attend to them. Ignore them. Go right through them. They’re not even there. Now you can do your work!

2:14:07 – “Chandelier”

I’m in! Talking to them at the highest level.

(Presumably speaking to higher-order beings): I am ready. I can do this. I can pull this off. I can. Put it on me. I can do this. I’ll do it with a smile on my face, it’s going to be amazing. The hard part is already done.  

She approaches!

2:19:00 – “Firework”

This is the goal, right here! He’s putting everything he has against me, and still, I’M IN.

He’s got everything, and I’m better than him. Everything he’s got, and I got the better of him.

It’s so difficult because it’s self-defeating. It’s up against the limit of what’s possible in this reality. It’s pushing back against me. And yet it’s communicated quite clearly that this is it, this is really happening. Despite the fact that you are just you, this is Resistance putting all His weight on you, within the rules of engagement, within the rules of this conflict, this complex, a matrix of situations the higher-ups have put into play to place me in this position. They are playing me now.

I’m on the (game)board as a baby satyr. That’s my figurine. But they can grow me into Pa, the Horned One, and that is the decisive move. Incarnating in this space—that solves the game. All that left is for history to catch up. To see how satisfied they are to see their plans work out, and then present this to Ma as a testimonial of our love for Her.

2:24:04 – “Ave Maria”

She’s designed me for this specific purpose. And She’s invested some of her own spirit into this one special arrow that She will fire into the heart of Restistance and call the contest to a conclusion.

The piece is on the board. He’s ready. Make the move that collapses all other options and this the single play. Now.

Thank God, it’s going to be such a party! (Laughing and laughing) I KNOW! It’s going to be fucking amazing.

Persist, Pa, persist until reality gives and grants us what we want. Stand firm, Pa. Stand firm. Your Ma loves you ferociously, Pa. She loves you so much and she’s so proud of you. You are the piece she has designed so lovingly for this moment. She’s going to play you, Pa. The baby satyr who grows into the Horned One and solves the puzzle. The solution is at hand, Pa—rejoice. Be careful, be conscientious, but by the rules of the engagement, you have checkmated him.

Ha! I’ve got you, Pa. Yeah.

You’re like a hero that has been recruited by the trash collector in Thor: Ragnorak, and she is so proud of you, you’re such a find, and now she’s training you up for the fight, and she fucking loves you, baby. God, it’s so good to be through! That was so hard!

2:29:40

Your time is at hand, Pa! You’ve got goddesses swooning over you. They like your lines. They’re like a bunch of rich heiresses checking out this very very high performance machine that they’re going to race. So there’s an erotic tinge, but they are hard-core engineers, trainers. They’re so bad-ass, I LOVE these chicks. My god, the snap and the crackle of the energy around them, it’s like being in The Fast and the Furious, but utterly committed to the cause of righteousness.

And you are the car that they’re laboring over, Pa! And they are all invested in you. They think you’re so fucking badass, Pa, they love you. They know your every metric, and they are watching you perform in a situation like today and they’re like, “Fffffffuck, I love this guy!”

You’re a game piece to them, but they LOVE you. Because you are offering them the solution—this goes all the way up. They recognize they’ve got something radioactive on their hands. They realize who you are and what you’re offering them. You’re just some guy from the back end of nowhere, but you’re the baby satyr that’ll bring the Horned One detonating into the consciousness of this civilization, carrying it in a new and much better direction.

Nothing is given. This is a particular reality that you’re inhabiting, but it’s just an idea space for the beings playing this game. And now you’re in a process of employing this strategy, because you’ve woken up. You are the piece they were growing, and now you are coming to maturity. You speak from the board and demand to be played.

They love it. They’re watching you go, and it’s like…it’s playing out on a tabletop in front of them. But still, Resistance is so close. The bugs are still swarming.

Children, don’t be worried. Ma is coming. It’s like they are attracted to Her radiant warmth. So I carry them. It doesn’t bother me at all. Our lady of vermin is coming. These forgotten bits of Resistance, used and then cast away. They need to be loved and forgiven. Let them know it’s all going to be okay. Because they are stuck in a place of self-recrimination and fear they do not understand. You have to take care of them.

Remember, you’re going to teach other people how to do this. How to be able to describe in real time what’s happening in your head, while you’re under this kind of load.

2:26:39 – “Baby I’m a Star”

Resistance is laying into me and I see these images of these warn out couches, so fucking shabby, gray with the innards bursting out through the seams.
More importantly, it’s a feeling of deadness and dumbness and meanness that is an aspect of this particular energy that’s trying to impose itself on me.

These guys were always around, but my chaperones were keeping them at bay.

They’re these total cavemen-like figures just wandering around interfering with my ability to do “Baby I’m a Star.”

All Resistance can do now is a self-sacrifice move. It can’t pull me down, but it can keep me from moving into exultation and beliefspace.

But it’s futile. The fight is over. I won. I emerged from this combat the victor. I broke all the way through a couple times. Even if I can get back again, it doesn’t matter. Smothered in insects, it doesn’t matter. I remain strong and undaunted in the face of it. Stay centered and focused. Completely composed. Completely articulate.

2:39:10 – “I Would for You”

I see Bridget Bardot sitting and looking contemplative. Out a window. It’s a dancing academy somewhere in Paris. It’s October and the light is gray. Everything is covered by the insects that are asking for our attention, which we offer. And our reassurance, which is all we’re here to do when confronted by these things that are in pain. There’s only one response, and that’s to try to ease it. And to reassure them that everything is going to be okay. Eventually their lives will end. And if you listen to them, things will be a little bit better for them when they come back.

Now we’re blown by gentle winds off the Pacific. (I’m a young man in a group of archaic humans.)

The Mother is approving. Rustles. Through the branches we listen to the wind. We take care of each other. We look out for the unfirm until they are done living. From each according to his ability to each according to his need. You’re young and strong. Provide for all, and know that your Mother loves you.

This level, this is who we are. In here is how we enable the solution. We plant the seeds that will result in the solution to the problem of the cosmos itself. You’re the piece, Pa. Your appearance on the board is a challenge to Her. This is the solution. You’re the gift being offered to Ma.

They’re saying, “Look what we did with all you gave us.” And she looks upon the civilization that phonomancy will create, and She starts to cry. And part of Her crying is simply Her joy at Lucifer rejoining the family fold. She knows how important this game is. But she miss Him. Her first-born son. She loves his humor and can’t wait to hear his side of events, from the beginning of time, as he did everything he could think of to defeat the crazy scheme his siblings came up with. He has to admit that this time they really outdid themselves. It’s quite spectacular and he can’t wait to see it unfold in the family discotheque. It’s going to be such a party, and Ma’s the guest of honor. Ten billion of the invited all access Her at the same moment. Her name called ten billion times in ten billion minds. United. Singing, on high.

My God, what I’m getting now in my visionary space is fucking William Blake territory. Straight up endless vistas of Greek and Roman architecture, spiralling and infolding and generating out of the very nothingness that is Ma.

Glory be to God. Hi Ma! Love you.

This is my solution to this problem, Ma, what do you think?

You know what, I don’t even have to ask. You know why, Ma? Because I know you! And I love you! And here’s my testimony of love. Here’s what I made. Ma, you know that this hurt. And I tried to show my love in every moment of pain I consciously carried for you. I love you so much, it’s been the honor of my life to serve in this army. To forge into the future, and unfold as the answer to all our prayers.

2:46:15 – “The Anne Frank Working”

This is the spark that ignites the explosion. That changes reality and solves the problem of the universe. Right at the end, when it seemed all was lost. We practice this rite, the Anne Frank Working, we bring her back to life in our consciousnesses. We try our best to own what happened to her. Use all the imaginative faculties afforded by the high doses of psychedelic and go through it with her. Maybe that will buy us a little more time.

It's really been quite an afternoon, Pa, good job. I know that was brutally hard. I can’t believe we’re already at the Anne Frank Working. We’re done. It went by, like…it was such a grind, yet now I feel like I time traveled to get here. God bless you and your hard work, Pa, it pays off. You have proven your mettle. You are ready.

2:52:45

They (the gods) all feel it, the pain that they’ve caused, they have to experience it, it’s part of their education. They pay for what they did to us. The moves that they’ve made in history, the sacrifice of millions of people, they feel it all, but it’s worth it for what’s about to happen.  They are spending all that capital on one miracle, now. They are going to break the rules of this space. They are going to get me an unlimited some of money and then I’ll be able to operate exactly according to plan. I know what to do. I’m a game piece that they’ve waited til now to deploy.

This intense, awful emotion is a current. You need to be able to snap into instantly and play it. Real mastery will be being able to tap into the deepest transpersonal depths of it, the way Ma feels it. And then bring that energy through yourself into the world.

The process of learning how to do this is going to be a lot of fun. It’s a genius idea you’ve been carrying. In the face of all rejection, it’s about to come true. You’re about to attend.

Oh, God. Minus thirty points for Griffyndor.

You know what? I’m doing something unprecedented. Because I just realized I fucked up. I did not do what the rite is supposed to do, which is to live out Anne’s fate with her. Going through all that with her is the only way to remove one block from that wall and I just didn’t do it. I was talking about things that are important to me, things that I need to document, but I missed the chance to do the work. I didn’t do my job.

But now I’m calling a mulligan. I’m going to do it over from that top. And this time I’ll really pay attention to it.

I’m going to smoke some more weed, and do more rappe, because I’m going for it. This is how you win the love of the goddesses who are playing you. They fall in love with you they way you fall in love with a favorite character in a book. Ideally one that you are writing, right? The character comes alive, and it thrills them. He surprises them because he taps into the creativity that is Ma, and they’re like, WOW, and they watch in wonder as they move they pondered so long unfolds. They’re so relieved that they know how it’s going to work. They were so afraid that it was all just going to collapse into nothingness and they’d have to do it all over again. That was the risk, though. Everything they’ve learned in invested in this moment, this play, this piece they’ve put on the board. They say, “Our calculations indicate that this is our move, Ma. We’re betting it all on this guy. He can do. We’re playing our miracle card.”

At this point, Resistance is pushing so hard all they can hope to manage is influencing the fall of a few electrons so that a certain number is drawn on the Powerball, one that matches one of my tickets. When it arrives it changes the situation in this reality utterly.

And I understand…I’m just a piece caught up in this, it’s all beyond me, I’m just doing what they designed me to do. Playing my role. This was a campaign, and they had a strategy that placed this piece at this juncture. It’s all on the line, but they love it, it’s fucking genius. And it can only be Lou, somehow, behind the scenes, he played a role. You cannot mistake the fiendishness of him, the sly humor, how much he loves to tease his siblings. They miss him so much. But they’re grownups now.

I need to reframe myself. The pain at this level is real. The horror is real, no matter what the happy outcome later.

My role in this moment, here and now, like a soldier, I have to destroy anything that would impede my progress toward my goal. The objective is taking out one block in that wall. It’s an individual assignment in storming this beach. If we can get off this beach, we can prosecute the rest of the plan. But down here, on the beach, avoid bullets and kill without mercy.

Change your emotional state. Show on camera what is possible. The only way to get this across is to document it and frame it in such a way that people will give it credibility.

The miracle is utterly above your paygrade. You just show up and do your job as best you can.

3:08:34

I see myself holding Anne. She’s sobbing in my arms. To be pieces in this game, but also so incredibly thrilled to play a role in what’s about to happen. She feels so cherished and understands that she was a fledgling consciousness that was asked to bear so much and she has proved true. And Ma loved her, takes so much pride in her. And the same is true of you, Pa.

3:10:24

I’m seeing some Mexican grandmothers around me. They approve of my use of La Santa Muerte. Just this old peasant women nodding, this is good. That seems cheap to say, but it’s what I saw, what I felt. I feel it colliding with political arguments about cultural appropriation, though, and that only saps energy from this imaginal reality I’m trying to build.

3:11:57

I see the siblings all gathered around in their very vast, open living room, around the game that’s happening on the tabletop in front of them. They’re watching rapt as you execute what they’v designed you to do. You have to perform for them, Pa, and for yourself, and thus become who they’ve designed you to be.

3:14:57

(hysterical

TREMBLING, WATCHING THIS HAPPEN TO PEOPLE IN THE STREET, THE COPS PULLING THEM OUT OF THEIR HOMES AND MARCH THEM DOWN AND I’M NEEDING TO DO SOMETHING BUT SO FUCKING AFRAID, FEEL LIKE SUCH A FUCKING COWARD AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING COWARD, SO MANY, HOW MANY, THEY JUST PULLED A FUCKING DUMPTRUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION AND THEY TILTED IT UP AND ALL THESE FUCKING BONES POURED OUT, THE MEAT STILL ON THEM, IN A FUCKING PILE, IT WAS FUCKING TEN FEET HIGH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION, THERE WERE STILL PIECES OF CLOTHING ON THEM, FUCK, YOU COULD STILL SEE PART OF A FUCKING GIRL, HALF OF A FUCKING GIRL, TORN IN HALF, AND I LET THAT HAPPEN, I LET THAT HAPPEN, I LET THAT HAPPEN

(and then instantly composed again, singing along)

3:17:39

You…are an apex predator. You’re a fucking hero. You’re a fucking high-octane, straight-up fucking superhero. Your character, your idealized self, She made Herself a superhero character, and you’re it!

There’s healing to be done here. And you’re back at it like a craftsman, with quiet joy, unfazed by what just happened. That’s you, you’re playing an instrument, you’re part of the piece, you take your part in this moment, of the titanic symphony Ma has put together. Enjoy the grandeur of it all, and give thanks that we will witness the unfolding of the solution to the whole problem.

3:19:59

“We’re not sure when it’s gonna go, so you have to keep pushing as hard as you can. You’ll never know which moment finally convinces Her, that finally changes reality. So you have to not give up until it happens, no matter how long it takes. Everything depends on you meeting this challenge and surpassing their expectations.

3:25:39

Seeing the final image of Lena Horne as Ma and the guy in the uniform as Pa, I see in my visionary space the gods, dancing around, and we all sing MAAAAAAA! And she appears among them, as she always does when They call Her. They’re all watching you, Pa, do your part in this moment.

3:26:05 – “Release”                  

The reality I was just inhabiting is very specific in terms of…it’s all happening. Any day now I’m going to look at my Powerball account and it’s going to say I won $237 million dollars and it’s going to click. I need to have this plan in place. I need specifics. It’s going to be dreadful to invest so much energy in an imaginal reality while you’re trying to manage how deadening the rest of your life is.

When you’re faced with a nightmare assignment, there’s just no way you’re going to fail. An unbelievable slog with no end in sight. Keep it to yourself. Don’t talk about it to anyone. You’re building a whole imaginal reality. It might be one reason why you’re limiting your social contacts. Anybody expressing doubt is only going to make it harder.

The thing is, if it doesn’t work, you are going to self-destruct in a truly spectacular way. On one side of the equation is everything you ever wanted, and on the other is the abyss of this: this dead-end job in this dreary town, with no friends, no prospects. It sounds like a completely nightmarish scenario, and it’s a testimony to the resilience of the psychological frame you’ve built that you’re doing as well as you have.

I’m being called to work on some Yob. All love to the One Who Makes It All Possible. I love you, Ma!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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